Amas-Veritas.com

< Prev		Next >

My sister's second (and last) baby shower was Saturday. Last Friday she starts talking to me about her husband's cousin, saying we have "a lot in common" and she's supposedly about my age and had an eating disorder also and that like last Thanksgiving she said she was "thankful" for overcoming it and realizing she didn't have to be so thin...I'm not sure how that means we have ANYTHING in common...it made me angry that she even brought it up the first time (several months ago), and now she's saying we have a lot in common....All I know is that she dressed like a hooker at the shower and spent the whole time gossiping about people and celebrities and it made me sick to even look at her. We have ZERO in common. I don't understand people. How both of us having (or have had in her case) an eating disorder means nothing. She wore like SHORT shorts, heals and white tank top and was obviously very comfortable with herself. Whereas I wore a long-sleeve black sweater, black pants, and heels and sat at the back of the party trying quietly and desperately to disappear. Even in my thinnest times, I would never be caught dead looking or acting like she did.

I have scars EVERYWHERE, which I'm not ashamed of in the least, they're battle scars in a way, but I don't like being looked at like I'm a freak, and even at my thinnest, if the scars weren't there, I wouldn't be comfortable enough with my arms or legs to wear shorts or short sleeves even.

The world is a cruel place. As much as I would NEVER take my own life (due in part to cowardice), I wish it would end. Not in disease, however sudden, nor by accident, but violently...quickly, but violently. Disease brings sympathy, and sympathy sickens me. Accidents cause guilt, and guilt pleads forgiveness. I'm not good at forgiveness, even if it's just for myself...so-called "closure". Violence...doesn't deserve forgiveness, doesn't usually come with guilt, keeps sympathy with those left behind. Anger, unlike suicide, resides with those still living. It's the perfect out. Though, for what it's worth, violence is sort of hard to come by here, unless you go looking for it.

I'm constantly urged to look at food as necessity rather than something bad, weight as "acceptable"...but I can't, how do you just "decide" to accept yourself the way you are? Death is preferable.

At the shower I was asked about our pool, if I liked having it in this heat or something to that effect and I responded with "I don't use the pool"...like being in a bikini in my own back yard is something I might be comfortable with...I was told I'd probably change my mind about not wanting children, from someone I've hardly ever spoken to...People should learn not to assume things.

It's been about 10 months since I cut last, I think that's a new record. I'm trying, with everything I have, to make it to a year, but it's hard. Even tonight I considered it. I felt like destroying something innocent, something as yet un-scarred.

I can't sleep...and there's little to do but sit here and THINK. I have to be up by 6:40am. It's becoming increasingly difficult to be anywhere on time these days.

Having something people are ashamed of having is very lonely (depression, eating disorders, anxiety even). No one talks to each other, we all just suffer in silence, alone. It's preferable I guess...hearing how someone has triumphed over "evil" doesn't make it any less difficult. I think it only makes it harder.