I have so much that I want to say but if I take my headphones off then I won't be able to concentrate and if I don't take them off, then I just can't get out what I want to say. They're on so that noises and my own stupid thoughts don't distract me. I have a disorder. I wish I could make it go away. It's a disorder of the mind. It scars me every day to think that no operation or easy medication will make it go away. I have tried many things. I know my pdoc is doing the right thing and wants to help me but I can't help but feel it's all useless. Like we're running circles here. I have finally had to leave school. This makes me so sad. I feel like all of my goals have been thrown away and I can't help it. I'm so sad. The only thing I can do to make it better is to shut out the world. If I can't tell that they're there, then maybe my life will feel all right just the way it is. I wish I could just tell myself that I'm going back next semester. But I can't. I've let myself down. I want to cry but it won't make things any better. I wish I could express how much this saddens me but it just isn't possible. There isn't enough feeling in your heart to understand it anyways. You could have the largest heart in the world and still, you would not understand. So now I leave you, wishing my life were over, wishing my goals could just be put on hold. Easy as that. But that will never be okay. I can never stop reaching.
