My sister & I may not have a job in two years, or so I'm told...I feel like the world is falling down around me. I'm not sure what to do with that. I wish I could move out...even with a roommate, but I don't make enough to do that and make car payments, which I still have two years of. I hate coming home. Everything has to be so difficult. There's no joy, nothing to make all the bad seem worth it. What do you DO with that? Do you just keep plugging away despite all the bad?? I don't see how it's possible.
Guys suck. I hate the entire male population right now. It's like every time I meet a nice guy, it turns out all they want is sex, and when I try to set any kind of [totally reasonable] boundaries they leave. It's like I'm not worth getting to know. If I'm not going to have sex with them on like our first date, I'm not worth anything. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT HE LEAVE HIS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BEFORE HE TRIES TO HOOK UP WITH ME??? I'm beginning to feel like if I ever want to have a relationship, I just have to do whatever they want, whenever they want or just be single the rest of my life, which of course scares me to death...it brings tears to my eyes every time I think that might happen. What's life worth if you have to spend it alone?
Since the person who asked me this question doesn't appear to be too happy with me right now, I'll post my answer here to refer back to at a later date *wink*...why am I so hard on myself...I had a really hard time answering that one. I even asked the advice of my therapist and the overall consensus was because I'm me...does that answer the question? No, it didn't for me either. So, I looked the question up online and actually came up with some scripture (ick) but the whole thing explained the questions a bit better. I think it's due to an abject fear of...everything: of failing, of being imperfect (of being judged as imperfect), of being seen...the list is endless. So, I'll end with that lol. I suppose that will have to do since I'm sort of making up that answer as it is...
For those of you girls who have had a trauma, like the "r" word that will never leave my lips, or my fingertips, how do you tell your boyfriend? My therapist tells me over and over that I have to tell any guy I'm "serious" with that this happened to me...but I can't say it. I don't even want to think it, and I'm supposed to say it out loud? to a guy I like?? It just doesn't seem possible, or like a terribly great idea...I've gotten as far as saying (as an answer to a question) that yes, I've had [uhem...you know...] "but not 'cause I wanted to." which apparently translated as "it was kind of unwanted." [that's like the understatement of the century...] Of course my therapist said that's not good enough, that I need to explain that it was more than "kind of unwanted" but I don't think I can. I don't have any words to express what I'm supposed to tell him, at least not words that I'm willing to say. They always ask about my multitude of scars (obviously), but I don't know what to say. Most people don't "get" cutting, or that anyone would ever do it so I feel dumb and a little like the guy's gonna think "freak" when I tell him.
I hate drama and I hate to let any guy know about the drama that really fills my head. Guys aren't into drama. In my life, I try to spread as little drama as possible, I try to avoid drama around me. When I like a guy, I may tell someone, but when it turns out he likes me back, it's a secret only I know (and of course my therapist). When it's time to try b/c [I'm leaving that up to you to decipher] I should be able to ask my sister or my mother right? Wrong. Try secretly calling Planned Parenthood and a [SECRET] appointment that I have to find an excuse for. I've decided to tell them my therapist had to reschedule so they won't ask questions. It terrifies me to have certain people know things this private to me, especially when a guy is involved. If it goes bad, the LAST thing I want is questions. Even when I'm sick I HATE when people ask me how I'm feeling, am I feeling better, etc. So if I'm upset over a guy or anything...there's just no end to the anger I would feel if someone invaded my privacy by asking about a relationship that didn't go well.
I'm SO afraid that because of my fear of guys/men that I'll end up alone for the rest of my life, and that makes me unbelievably sad. No one in my life can know that. I hate sympathy, I hate questions, I hate people around me knowing those private things about me. They ask questions that I'm not willing to answer, and my mother in particular likes to ask questions over and over and then get angry if I tell her it's none of her business, because it's not. It's her business if I make it her business and I would prefer to keep her at as much of a distance as she will allow. If I went out on a date I wouldn't want to tell anyone...but how do you explain that they "shouldn't wait up" when you're just going to the book store? Granted, Borders is open till midnight or something, but what if I choose not to come home?? I can't even work late without someone calling me at the office at 7 or 8 asking where I am! Uh...HELLO, you called me at the OFFICE!? Maybe I'm at the OFFICE??? Like I haven't worked until o' dark thirty my entire working life. I used to stay at the office in east LA until 10pm ALONE. Now I'm 5 minutes from home and they're freaking out?!? It's totally backward. I'M 27 FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! I think I'll never have freedom until I move out, and even then...who knows. I'll still have to work for my mother where the questions could be endless.
There's just no respect or privacy in my life. My room isn't private, no matter what I do. Anything "locked up" or hidden away means my mother needs to investigate. My car isn't safe because my father feels as though he has free rein there...I wish I could take my spare keys from him, but I think he would be offended and VERY angry. I'm pretty sure this website isn't safe even though I've made it QUITE CLEAR that they have no right to read it...it's like me picking up my mother's journal that she lays out all over the house. She's never asked me not to read it but I never would. I've explicitly asked, forbade, SCREAMED IN HER FACE never to read my website yet she's done it before, hence the shut down of annabellasong.com.
I sit endlessly in front of my computer waiting for an email that will never come...so I better sleep. At least tomorrow means one day closer to the day it may come.
Have you ever had an email you wanted to open but were also afraid to? I feel that way with about every email I receive, but I try to keep that to myself because people tend to look at me in that "you're weird" way when I mention it. I've been emailing back & forth with this guy I really like and they're typically harmless, it's just me...always just me. Well, if you have an eating disorder like me, a few small words in his previous email would have freaked you out just as much as it did me..."you're so tiny". Now, I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 years and over that amount of time I could have lost and gained and lost all sorts of weight...and does he mean short (I'm 5'1") or thin? The consensus (between my therapist and I, my sister didn't agree) was that I would ask him what he meant, but not really seem like I was looking for an answer...and I specifically said "lol you don't have to answer that". Unfortunately I'm still in this stage where I'm not sure what he REALLY liked about me the last time we talked in person (because who could ever REALLY like me for me when I'm thin??)...and what if I'm different?
It sucks having an eating disorder, and I mean beyond any explanation that I can provide. I try to explain to my therapist how totally insanely freaked out, mortified, paranoid and panicked, hopeless and helpless I feel AT ALL TIMES, but I get the sense that it's beyond ANYONE'S comprehension. I seem calm, sometimes happy, and it angers me that although I appear calm and possibly happy on the outside, I'm FREAKING OUT in so many ways and feeling utterly hopeless to change my situation on the inside. Words don't explain that and I can't show the emotion that making someone understand requires. There's this new system in my head that makes it impossible for me to make my own decisions when it comes to food. I assume that's because nothing makes me happier than depriving myself of food...but it sure puts a damper on things, especially when your level of self esteem is directly related to the amount of food you turn away. And because no one gets it, no one can ease your pain. Hearing someone say they're happy you're eating better translates to "I'm happy you're failing" and when your self esteem is highest is also the time when everyone around you is resenting "they pain you're causing" them. All you can do is smile inside because that translates to "you're doing a fantastic job!" It's like telling an alcoholic or drug addict that they have to learn to drink or use in moderation, because they're not allowed to STOP using. How do you think that would go over? Unfortunately you can't live without food and you can't live if you binge eat either. It must be in moderation...I think I'd rather be an alcoholic.