March 9, 2011 8:20am
Added lyrics for Avril Lavigne's new album Goodbye Lullaby.  Yay!  :)

Amas-Veritas.com

in the mirror

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Try this: for one day, after you wake up in the morning and brush your teeth, don't eat, drink, chew gum, mints, anything. All you can have is water, pure, unflavored, unsparkled water all day, at least 16 hours. Now try it Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, 72 straight hours, every week. This is my life. At least for now it is. Wednesday is questionable, as I start to lose control over the desire for something with flavor, something crunchy. I usually end up with Goldfish (800 cals). Yeah, okay, I'm not doing well. I told my doctor today that I don't have the willpower for an eating disorder...not that I didn't want to have one. At least it wasn't all a lie. I have to lose weight though, and quick. The eating disordered side isn't convinced I can lose weight this way...not eating for three days. Three days isn't enough. SIX days isn't enough. The rational side knows I have to eat to keep my Adderall which I need to keep functioning like a normal human being (and HELLO, not eating for three days?? Yeah, I'll lose weight). But I can't SEE, in the mirror, a difference from a month ago because I don't have anything to compare to, except my current reflection in the mirror, which is identical to how it looked an hour ago. "Gradual" weight loss to the eating disordered side is NO weight loss. And as long as I'm [too many] sizes away from zero, NO weight loss is all I see. I can't imagine ever being able to "recover". I mean, how do you just ACCEPT the awfulness you see and feel? You can throw away the scale, but clothing doesn't come without a size on it. A number, always too high. And the world is filled with thinner people, there's always someone thinner. How do you see that and not notice your own "excess"?? "They're allowed to be thin, but not me?" So my idea of "thin" isn't your idea of thin, but I just don't know how you can accept it, especially when food is a fear AND an addiction. Eat, but not too much. Diet, but not too much. Not praised for staying "clean & sober", but punished...
 

everything he wants me to be

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Okay I'm having issues...I want to cut, but that would be really dumb. I took a Unisom so I'd stop obsessing, but it will probably be an hour before it kicks in. I wouldn't sleep without it anyways. Last night it was hours before I finally fell asleep. I'm totally controlled by whether I get a text or phone call or not. It's sick, and I wish I could turn the tables, but my eagerness always gets the better of me. I didn't eat again today. I'm gonna lose my Adderall I just know it...That would be devistating, but how can I not take advantage of an opportunity to lose weight...especially now. All I can think of is whether I said the wrong thing, even though it's been months of me having to be patient and understanding and not take anything personal. And I'm not patient or understanding and I take EVERYTHING personal. Can't really speak your mind before you get your foot in the door...All of my energy is going into this, trying to be everything he wants me to be...and it's starting to wear on me.
 

Internal Dilemma...

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I'm having an internal dilemma...I want to go make rice but I'm on a roll and I've had this amazing amount of willpower. I think I've even lost a "visible" amount of weight, meaning when I look in the mirror I can see it...that hasn't happened in YEARS. I've only been drinking water this week because I suddenly have this fear that the Diet Caffeine-Free Coke I've been drinking is preventing me from losing weight. Monday & Tuesday I didn't eat anything, Wednesday I had a Caesar salad that was only 200 calories less the croûtons plus 1.5 apples (the first apple tasted like it was bruised all over...from the inside-out) and yesterday I had donettes (360 calories) and about 2/3 (or less) of a bag of goldfish (approx. 533 calories). Today I've had two apples, and the rice, if I finish all of it, would be about 800 calories (!!!) so it's not like I'm eating much...I guess. :-( The rational part of me knows that the Diet Caffeine-Free Coke couldn't POSSIBLY be causing me to gain or prevent me from losing...being zero calories and all...but the eating-disordered part of me isn't sure. I REALLY want some Diet coke because I'm really not a water person. I know it's the weekend and I'll probably eat like crap Saturday and Sunday as usual, but when I get on a roll like this, it's hard to turn back without fighting myself first. The rational part is fighting for food while the eating-disordered part is trying to hang on a little longer.
 

Why I Love Twitter

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[if you don't get the "funny" then...just...I have no thinging to say to you.]:

@thinkgeek Sony to stop selling 3.5" floppies in 2011: http://j.mp/cCp8tn *wipes tear with USB flash drive, blows nose into magnetic tape*

@NASA Due to technical difficulties (shorthand for we goofed up), the new Hubble documentary will now air at 4 p.m. EDT. Our apologies!

@helloross I'm on @JayLeno for about 15 seconds tonight! Smashing Punkins are on, too. If I'd known, I would have worn orange.

@NASA Let's try this 1 more time (after another cup of coffee): Updated deorbit time is 6:28aET for 1st Kennedy landing attempt at 7:34aET

@johncmayer Whenever they say it can't be done, remind them that they make a jellybean that tastes exactly like popcorn.

@Agent_M Video: This is why we have 5 cats at home. The robot apocalypse will fall before our feline army. (via... http://tumblr.com/xo76djqre

@Agent_M Hey! My friend & ToyFare Magazine Editor (he gave me my first real writing job!) @justinaclin is back on Twitter. Now to scare him off...

@Agent_M RT @CrimeinStereo: Lets start a gym for nerds. Audio books pre installed on treadmills & full sci-fi library w/leather recliners. Who's in?

@johncmayer It feels like a Saturday. I know today is Saturday but it feels more like a Saturday from three weeks ago.

@johncmayer My life on the road is a lot like '70s Fleetwood Mac, except instead of cocaine it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

@Agent_M Breaking News: The 20-sided die on my desk won't fit in my ear (or my nose). More details as this story unfolds. -AP

@peterfacinelli Just landed in Nashville. It's snowing and I forgot my coat. Good thing Vampires are supposed to be cold.

@NASA RT @Veronica McGregor I nominate @NASA for a Shorty Award in #government because no other agency promises you the moon(s) - and delivers!

@Agent_M Former Marvel.com intern @ben_jamon just used the term "btdubs" over AIM. Freakin' kids & their crazy moon language. JUST SAY "BY THE WAY"!

@Agent_M Photo: Regardless of what you’re thinking, this kitty has no regrets. #eveningcuteness via nkym: http://tumblr.com/xo748q3c2

@Agent_M Ridiculous on numerous levels: http://is.gd/5286v

 

OOP for Dummies

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I've taken Java. If you don't include all the "including" you have to do, I WAS able to follow along...at the beginning. I know OOP = Object Oriented Programming...and that's about the extent of my understanding. Needless to say, I didn't continue to do well in Java.

Read more...
 
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